Trail #23 MOUNT LOFTY VIA STEUB TRAIL
I was working through some demons on this trail.
I walked myself into my best thoughts.
~ Soren Kierkegaard
Date: 24/08/25
Distance 7.9km
Elevation gain: 237m
Time: 1:44
I was working through some demons on this trail, and as I stepped out I knew I had some work to do.
The Steub Trail begins at Cleland Wildlife Park and steadily winds its way up to the Mount Lofty Summit. On trail #3 I did Mount Lofty to Waterfall Gully, and the Steub Trail runs up the other side and across Mount Lofty to get to the same finishing point. A comfortable metre-wide gravel trail steadily winds it's way up, giving you plenty of time to focus on each step and think.
The paved sidewalk took me from Clelend Wildlife Park to the beginning of the Steub Trail. I crossed a road and followed the trail upward. It was an overcast day, the temperature was comfortable. I had a puffer vest on just in case the temperature dropped as the afternoon wore on. The goal of this trail was no rush, reflection, being present, just one step at a time.
The night before I had an experience that has become familiar. I'm out with a group, everyone is having a good time, and one or two of the group are louder and funnier than everyone else. They're telling stories and they are the life of the party. I turn inward and wonder why I'm not more like that - Imagine if I were the one telling the stories and the jokes, people would love being around me, I think. From there the thoughts go around and around, leading nowhere good.
I once heard someone say it's in your 40's that you finally start to live free, not caring what people think and letting go of all that baggage. But here, walking up the side of Mount Lofty, 10 days into being 40, I had some soul searching to do.
On the Steub Trail I recognise this pattern that I get myself into. I can see I've gotten into this funk before, but what's getting me down are not only these these thoughts that plague me, but also the shame of how stupid it is for a 40-year old to be so caught up in fickle ideas of wanting to be liked by everyone.
My climb continues and already people on bikes have gone past me, this will be a constant on this trail. There's a couple of girls up ahead slowly pacing the trail. Even though my pace is slow, I find myself caught up to them and trying to figure out how to get around smoothly. The awkwardness of overtaking when you're walking, with everything being slow, heaven forbid you try to overtake but they think you're trying to join their walking party.
I got around the girls and we traded friendly hellos. Not awkward at all. The steady incline of the trail continued and some nice views opened up the higher I got.
It was around this time I began to get clarity around the questions I had to answer:
How do I get to a place of accepting myself for who I am?
How do I live in the tension of accepting myself as I am, but then still striving to become better? A better human, a better dad, and a better partner.
How do I stop living for the acceptance of others, desperately wanting to be liked, but then still being someone people like to be around?
I took off my puffer vest and carried it for a while. I was loving being out on the trail. I was grateful to be out here. However, I was a bit bummed I now had to carry this puffer vest around. I remembered the vest had its own bag you could wrap it up into. I began rolling and squishing and wrapped it up like a tight nugget.
The Steub trail stopped winding for a moment as it joined with Nangare Track, taking me straight across the mountain. I saw people up ahead taking a steep inclined track and wondered if that was where I was to go. The sign told me that was the Lofty-Carey Gully trail and the Steub was further along. Glad I was doing the leisurely Steub Trail I continued on and re-entered the winding path.
Clarifying the questions was a win and my mind was starting to enjoy the rhythm of the trail. These feelings of wanting to impress people, for others to like and accept me weren't new, they've been a pattern for much of my life. But as I trod the gravel trail I started to reverse engineer the problem. Rather than dwell on all my deficiencies and beat myself up comparing how hilarious and fun and exciting other people seemed, I started to ask, how do I want people to feel when they are around me. When someone leaves a conversation with me, what are they leaving with? Those questions hit different. They were coming from a different perspective.
The Steub Trail took me around Mount Lofty and climbing up to the Mount Lofty towers. As I gazed up at them and then out across Adelaide I remembered a chat with Henley not long ago as we drove down the freeway. He was quizzing me on what these towers were and specifically where we could find them. I took a couple of snaps and was excited to tell him I was at the base of them. Again, the trail opening up new perspectives on things seen everyday.
Now almost at the top of Mount Lofty, the trail took me across Mount Lofty Summit Road and then eventually right to the Summit. Recalling the first time I scaled Lofty, this time felt different. A different day, a different experience and a different mentality. Then, I felt accomplished, today I felt reflective and like I was on the verge of a personal discovery.
My energy was feeling a little low so I bought an orange Powerade (the best Powerade flavour!) and refuelled looking out across Adelaide. This Powerade was no hot tea in a thermos, but it came in a close second (I’m still yet to purchase a thermos to take on trails with me. I need to get on that!). Ready to set off again I unpacked my puffer vest, put it on and strolled back to the Steub Trail.
I dwelled on my new questions, how do I want people to feel when they are around me? It didn't take long for all the words to come to me - uplifted, encouraged, positive, loved, listened to, cared about, I want the person I'm around to feel like I'm genuinely interested in who they are.
I bounded down the trail feeling excited by my discovery. Down past the towers, retracing the trail, was I doing what Soren Kierkegaard, the age old Danish philosopher had said? Am I walking myself into my best thoughts?
The trail down Mt Lofty was busy with downhill bike riders. Teams of riders would pass, I'd move aside as they scuttled past. I thought Hen and I could do this one day, him on his bike me on foot. As I encountered some of the steeper parts it did make me wonder how he'd go on these hair pin turns.
Normally on the back section of an out-and-back trail I race through it, knowing I've seen all this before. But today I continued to take it slow, wanting to find resolution in my thoughts and take in the surroundings. I wasn't bored and I wasn't sick of my own thoughts, yet.
This journey I was on led me to an important discovery, the thoughts of wanting to be the life of the party, making people laugh, having others think I'm interesting and exciting, are super egotistical. That's my ego talking and taking over. I realised when that happens I recoil, I go inward, I get depressed and dissapointed in myself. I become the very thing I want the least.
Ryan Holiday talks about this a lot in one of my favourite books of his, Ego is the Enemy:
"Ego is the enemy of what you want and of what you have: of mastering a craft, of real creative insight, of working well with others, of building loyalty and support, of longevity, or repeating and retaining your success."
I strolled on and spotted a bench seat. Normally I would hustle straight past it, but today I stopped and took a seat. Solid views even though the sky was still overcast. I'd travelled a ways, but I needed to go a little further.
To finish off my inward journey I thought back to all those things I hoped others would experience when around me. If I want people to feel those things when they're around me, what attitudes and character do I need to embody? A barrage of thoughts flowed:
Positivity, selflessness. generosity. Be lightweight, encouraging, happy, easily impressed, easy to talk to, open to everything, not diminishing but wowed by the little things, amazed, enthusiastic, curious.
I reflected on those attitudes and characteristics for the rest of my trail. No easy feet to live that out and be that way, but I felt like these are beautiful expressions of life. More in line with my character, compared to putting on a mask trying to be louder and funnier and demanding attention at a dinner party.
I crossed the road, followed the trail that took me back into the Cleland Wildlife Park's carpark and hopped back into my car feeling a whole lot different than when I arrived.
The Steub Trail will be a memorable one for me. A steady and comfortable out-and-back trail, busy and winding, but full of self discovery … for those that are open to it.